From far across the great divide
I see what it might turn out to be
Once I fall into the chasm
Once I finally find my place
Sure enough, the coast is clear but
I cannot take a single step
Strangled by a lingering stigma
Keeping me from finding my place
From far across the grand horizon
I see the colors of my future
Still too confused to understand them
Still too lost to find my place
But in the shadows of failed decisions
Lurks an energy I’ve felt before
I must trust my ambition
Until I find my place
With every sigh that i exhale
I dwell on what i could have been
Had I believed in second chances
Had I the strength to try again
If all to life is what I see
Then rip the strength right out of me
Until I choke on one last breath
And twisted logic destroys the rest
From deep within a toxic dream
I scream for life to reappear
and so i seek an absolution
Until i finally find my place
I am genuinely sad about Code Blackgoing off of the air. I was able to handle it when it was first announced, but now that we’ve seen the finale I’m stuck in a weird, sad pseudo-state of disbelief. Everything wrapped up, I do appreciate that there were no hanging ends… but that can’t be it… it can’t be over! That show was beautiful, every character was genuinely likable even if you didn’t like them. Almost every episode made me cry. And laugh. Dammit, No!!! Don’t leave me, dammit!!!
Certain places speak more than others. Some have older souls than others. Sometimes it feels like you’re discovering somewhere that no one’s ever been before, and sometimes though it is more than obvious that several hundred thousand people or more have traversed these very grounds before you, you still feel new in your own two feet (even if you’re not on the ground upon which you tread). All of these places have stories to tell – some stories were written by the people who found them, some stories were written by the history of the land itself, and some came to be as time kept and keeps moving forward.
And then there are the places that breathe and bend, dance and break, seek and sleep, and live filled by an ancient vitality that saturates the air and seeps in from the sea. These are the winds that whisper more than ambiguities in the whistling wind, their words are clear and direct without need for interpretation.
The land is hard and rocky, tough and relentless – large, layered and smooth, crawling from the sea, prehistoric giants lunge and fall and stay. Halted. Unable to go any further. Piles of broken rock and boulders overlook the shore, they guard the ends of the earth. The land here does not belong to man, it belongs to the earth – you are a guest here, a visitor, and a student.
Rocks & Trees
Only a few hundred yards away from this epic natural wonder lies a giant limestone quarry which is visually breath taking but absolutely lacks the soul of the shore and the sea.
Adorned in pristine geometry and brilliant saturated hues of every color of in spectrum, it looks like a scene from a storybook – somewhere you would only expect to find in a dream or a fairy tale. It is surrounded by woods, completely hidden from the world, wide open to it at the same time.
Halibut Point in Rockport, MA – the air here is restless, and by that I am settled.
The first time I came here, I was 19 years old and had just finished up my first year at Berklee. I remember climbing on top of the same rocks, I remember walking around the same quarry, I remember staring out into the sea from the same spot on the rocky shore – noticing for the first time how much more vast and enigmatic the ocean seemed from a point versus a long beach – and I remember feeling like there were endless opportunities and possibilities waiting for me, I had my entire life ahead of me and I was going to make something incredible out of myself.
Funny how looking at the same ocean from the same spot fifteen years later fills you with a panic instead of excitement – you can’t help but think how many opportunities you’ve wasted, and how many possibilities died over the last decade and a half, and while you have an awesome family and husband, you still have no fucking clue what you want to do with your life… not so inspiring at 35. But there’s definitely something settling about that chaos – if I can feel something I felt fifteen years ago, why can’t I feel it again in another fifteen years?
I guess there are still a few unexplored possibilities out there. I’ve had a decade to come up with this feeling, I’m sure that after another one goes by I’ll be completely and totally insane. We’ll reconvene by the sea on the rocky shore of Halibut Point in another fifteen years.
So, now that Code Black is freaking awesome, the writing is on par, and everything is just going so well it’s being canceled. No season 4. Why does every show I love get canceled?! I hate TV! The only saving grace here is that, with 9 episodes left of this third and final season, the writers are aware (and have been unofficially aware) that they have to wrap end the show and they seem to want to go out on a high note. So, at least there’s that.
In 1992 I took ballet at a little studio in Maryland, and at the end of the year we had a recital. Nearly everyone who was born in the 1980s experienced this first-hand at least once in their lives so you’d think that 30 years later tracking down something like the name of one of the pieces of music used wouldn’t be absolutely freaking impossible. After all, it’s the internet age – you can find anything online. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve successfully tracked someone down from some prehistoric part of my life to ask them something random, I have actually gathered quite a plethora of random information this way, it’s kind of awesome. Well, I have met my match.
Regardless of anything else that transpired in the process, my daughter is registered for kindergarten in the Fall! Wahoo! Mommy’s getting a very small portion of her life back in a few months – super exciting. Of course, I’m going to have to fight for it – from the very beginning. What else is new?
The kindergarten registration process was not easy. No, it was not easy at all. Nor was it quick. That, however, was typical – something very simple that I had to go about making as difficult as humanly possible. Seriously. All we had to do was walk in there, sign in, wait for a few minutes, meet with someone for less than five minutes, and then head out on our merry way. It could have been so simple and painless.
But it wasn’t.
No, it was not simple and it was not painless. It was insanely complicated, exasperating, painful and it left me feeling like I have no control over anything, defeated and pathetic. Heh, but what doesn’t do that these days? C’est la vie.
In case you were wondering what the most efficient way to make a terrible first impression is, I’ve got some notes that you may want to read. You wouldn’t think that destroying any face that you may have permanently would be so easy to do without any effort, but when you have two kids anything is possible.
Where should we begin? Ok, let’s start at the beginning.